


Wicked Witches and Grumpy Ghosts

by luvscharlie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bathroom Sex, Community: wizard_love, F/M, Het, Humor, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-10
Updated: 2011-04-10
Packaged: 2017-10-17 22:01:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/181663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvscharlie/pseuds/luvscharlie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily Evans loves her boyfriend. Really, she does. But she's young and inexperienced and not quite ready to settle down to James's offer of marriage until she's "lived a little".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wicked Witches and Grumpy Ghosts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [love_rockerkid](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=love_rockerkid).



> Warnings: Well, Lily grosses Sirius out, so she might gross you out too with her frank tampon discussion, infidelity, voyeurism, canon compliant up to a point, Sirius being so adorkable that I want to squish him and Lily wants to kick him, tattoo, wall!sex, SO. MUCH. SNARK. I swear I wanted to murder them both just to make them shut the hell up.
> 
> A/N: Originally written for love_rockerkid at the 2011 wizard_love Valentine's Exchange on Live Journal who asked for "infidelity, infidelity, infidelity", wall!sex, rebellious themes, a naughty and adventurous Lily, creative use of tattoos on Sirius, voyeurism, bathroom stall!sex (sort of). Thank you to Aigooism and Teenage_hustler for the beta work.

Sirius yanked open the door to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom and strolled inside, the note he'd found on his bed, signed by Peter, was now wadded up in his front trouser pocket. His comrades-in-mischief awaited him, and he was keen to find out what their newest adventure would be.

"DON'T LET IT CLOSE!" was shouted at him from two different directions. He drew his wand in a hurry to shield himself from attack, spinning to cover all sides. While he was in 'protect thyself' mode, the door slammed closed with a click that resounded off the bathroom walls with a haunting echo.

"You idiot!" shouted a female voice. He'd recognise that voice anywhere. _She_ was the bane of Sirius's existence, his best friend's girl—Lily Evans, or, as he normally referred to her,—that bloody bitch.

"Seriously, Padfoot! You couldn't keep the door from closing before going all duck and cover on me?" James 'tsked' his disappointment in his friend's slow reflexes. "Now we're all trapped in here," James said in a huff, then seemed to think about it and the gravity of the situation all came out in his final word. "Together."

"You moron!" Lily said, giving Sirius a good cuff about the ear.

"Oi, hold on. If we're _all_ trapped in here, why am I the only one being berated for letting the door close? Seems to me the old girl pulled the wool over all of our eyes. Not just mine."

"Well, we were—" James looked at his toes—"erm, busy, when she got us."

"Spare me the details!" Sirius said, holding up his hand. He looked back at the sealed door and shook his head. This was Myrtle's doing. He should have known. "The old girl's still a bit peeved that we—"

James cut him off before he could incriminate them further in Lily's presence. "I should think that's a bit obvious."

"Do I even want to know what you two did to poor Myrtle this time?"

"No," they both said in unison.

"I didn't think so." Lily crossed her arms and began to pace the large lavatory, stopping every few minutes, Sirius noted, to glare in his and James' general direction as they bent their dark heads together and attempted to plot some clever way out of this predicament. Together they really were two of the brightest young men in the school (as much as that rankled Lily, and Sirius noted with glee that it frequently did), and Myrtle was simply no match for them—though this time, he had to admit that she'd stepped up her game with that fake note from Peter—or perhaps she'd even brought Peter over to her side. She was a wily one, that Myrtle. Not quite a worthy adversary most of the time, but even Marauders had off days, and it was seventh year, so Myrtle _had_ had nearly a full seven years to get wise to their tricks.

After one of Lily's many rounds of pacing the loo, she looked up to find Sirius grinning and James leaning over close to his best friend with his arms crossed. They were both looking at her expectantly.

"She won't do it," Sirius said, as though he knew her so well that he could predict her behaviours… which he certainly did not, but it did get her temper up and that made it worthwhile. He very much liked to see her get all pissed off at his assumptions. Making Evans angry was, on most days, one of his favourite of all past-times.

"What won't I do?" Lily demanded, hands on hips.

"I think she will," James said back to Sirius, both of them ignoring the fact that Lily was standing before them demanding answers.

Sirius put his hand on his chin as though in deep thought and gave pause, circling around Lily as though giving her a thorough once over. "I dunno, Prongs. She's a little on the skinny side. Hardly Myrtle's normal type. But I guess her tits are adequate. Myrtle really does like them bigger though."

"Sometimes you have to make do with what you have," James conceded, following up his comment with an exasperated sigh.

Those were fighting words. Lily was rather defensive over her less than average tits, and she came up swinging, metaphorically, of course. "What the hell do you mean, you'll 'make do'? And I'll have you know my tits are plenty more than adequate." She gave them a squeeze to emphasise that they were some of the best tits they could ask for, then seemed to realise what she'd done and turned an amusing shade of red.

"Huh-oh, now you've gone and offended her," Sirius said, shaking his head and clicking his tongue in a tsking manner. "Now she'll try to—"

There was a sharp click from the area of the door and Sirius and James both bolted to grab it, but James was quicker. He was out the door with a spring in his step, and his laughter could still be heard as Sirius landed on the ground with a bump, a sharp pain shooting up his left buttock. The door closed before he could get a hand around it.

"What was that all about?" Lily stood over him, her hands planted firmly on her hips again, pulling a face that made Sirius blanch as she demanded answers. All signs of embarrassment on her part were clearly gone.

"The old girl can only hold two people in the room at a time. Seems ghostly magic only goes so far, and any more than two people in here and her hold slips a bit. Of course, you have to get her kind of bored and then she loses interest and apparently your tits are really boring and—"

"We’ll get to my better than average tits in a moment! But first, was I ever going to have a chance at that door, you bastard?" Lily asked, her toe now tapping out her irritation on the cobbled stones of Myrtle's bathroom floor. "What the hell ever happened to 'ladies first'?"

"Always did seem like a stupid rule, if you ask me. And my mother assures me that I'm no bastard, but frankly, I don't put much stock in anything she says. So maybe you're right. And wouldn't it be great if you really were right, and I wasn't a Black at all? I wonder if my mum might have dropped her knickers for another man and—"

Lily glared in response.

"Okay, guess you didn't ask me. And it seems my parentage is really far down on your priority list." Sirius pulled himself, sore bum and all, back to the standing position. "But it is sort of your fault that my mate was so desperate to get out of here." Sirius carried on, unflinching at her clearly peeved off demeanour.

"How is this possibly, in any way, my fault?"

"Well," he answered, "ever since you two started sharing the Head Boy/Head Girl suite, and you dismissed the House Elves that normally keep order in this mad world we live in, so that you could make him "take responsibility" for himself, you've been a real troll about his leaving his socks lying about."

"First of all, the man is a slob. A Class-A, Number One slob and a half. Secondly, when he and I get married, I have no intention of spending my days picking up his socks from all over the—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!" Sirius held up his hands as though warding off a hex of the most extreme kind. "Who said anything about marriage? I mean, here I was just talking about a few dirty socks and then you jump on the wedding boat and try to sail it around the castle. Jump back, woman! James is far too young to hitch himself to the likes of you." He crossed his arms and stared her down like a mother bear protecting her cub from an approaching predator.

"He's asked me, you know?"

"He has not!" Sirius covered his ears, and in a very mature fashion, began to sing, "la-la-la, I can't hear you."

"I'm so glad the handsome one got out, this is far more interesting without him." Myrtle's voice rang out throughout the bathroom. "Besides, the singing is rather nice. I have a lovely voice, myself. Would you like to hear?"

"Show yourself, you four-eyed, see-through freak!" Sirius demanded. "I have to go talk some sense into my thick-headed best mate before he does something we'll both live to regret. And what the fuck do you mean, 'the handsome one'? We need to get those glasses of yours checked!"

There was wail of distress at the insult and a splash of water rose up from the toilet and dumped itself on Sirius.

"I just hate it when she does that," he said, shaking toilet water from his hair and gleaning at least a little satisfaction when he heard Lily squeal as he shook the drops in her direction.

"Charming," Lily said. "Really, you have a way with women. Apparently, both the dead and the living find you intolerable. That's actually quite a feat, you know?"

Dripping, Sirius decided that perhaps he could plead to Lily's more common sensibilities. James was a rather lost cause, as he was, Sirius hated to admit, hopelessly in lust (Sirius didn't much believe in that other "L" word—you know, the disgusting one) with Lily Evans. "You didn't say yes, did you? After all, you're young, a real catch—" Sirius nearly choked on the words—"you could do far better than my boy, Prongs."

"Well, no doubt about that last part." Lily gave a snort and sat down, leaning back against the stone wall. They were clearly going to be there for a while, so Sirius followed suit, making sure to keep his puddle of sogginess a respectable distance away, so that it wouldn't ooze over onto Lily. Getting her wet—well wetter anyway—would not help his case to plead to her sensibilities... and in doing so, save his best friend from a horrid life of servitude to this evil witch. Perhaps Evans had something there when she discussed his flair for dramatics.

"I haven't decided on my answer yet," Lily said.

 _There was still hope!_ Sirius clung to it. "He's a real bastard, you know. I surely would not marry the likes of him. No, sir. Not me." Go big or go home. So, Sirius continued. "And, you know, I shared a room with him for years. Do you know that he snores loudly enough to shame a bear?"

"Good to know I have one less for competition then. More, if I count bears."

 _Not going exactly the way that was supposed to. Perhaps another angle was the route to pursue._ "You know, if he leaves his socks around everywhere now, that's only going to get worse. Do you want to be James Potter's sock slave for the rest of your life?"

"I've come up with a solution for the socks being left about."

"Let's hear it then. It had better be good. His mum still hasn't got him to pick up his socks in all the years I've known him. Don't know why you think you can get it done, when bless her, the dear woman's tried. And don't think holding out on sex will get you very far. You can only hold that over a bloke's head for so long, you know."

"I plan to put a bloody tampon in the toe of his sock the next time he leaves one lying about."

 _Damn her! That just might work. And EW!!!!_ He begrudgingly gave her a nod of concession. "There are days I think you could make a Marauder yet, Evans. You're gross and vile and sometimes I'd go so far as to say you're bloody disgusting, all puns intended there. And well, that's almost a prerequisite for admittance into the group. I hate to admit it, but you—well, you have potential. There, I said it."

"Why, Sirius Black, was that a compliment that escaped those pretty, pouty lips of yours?"

"Don't let it go to your head. Even Myrtle gets a good idea on occasion." There was a loud squeal of protest and water erupted from the toilet again, though this time, neither Sirius nor Lily was close enough to suffer any ill effects from the droplets raining down.

"We're never getting out of here at this rate," Lily muttered. "For all your charm with the ladies, you're absolutely pants with ghosts, you know? Not that I understand what my girlfriends see in the likes of you."

"Myrtle adores me. I keep her on her toes. Must be dead boring here some days. Why without me and my boys, she'd have withered away to a glimmer of ghostly –well, whatever that ghostly floaty stuff she's made out of is called."

"You're a regular scholar."

"Shut it, Evans." Despite the change of topic, Sirius was desperate to keep his best mate a swinging free and single bloke. So much for the 'James is a slob' argument, but he wasn't going to let the topic rest. "You don't want to marry James," Sirius said in his most convincing voice. That was the voice had had convinced Carrie Alexander to go to the last year's Yule Ball with him despite the fact that he was pretty sure she swung the other way—well, there might have been a bit of a potion involved as well, but—totally irrelevant information that Evans certainly didn't need to know. He turned on the charm, and continued to use his convincing voice on her—that same voice that had once again, at that same Yule Ball, convinced Carrie Alexander to let him get one hand into her bra and the other down her knickers.

"And why is your best friend such a horrible catch? Because you want him all for yourself? I've always suspected as much."

Sirius spluttered at the insinuation. "Hardly! I'll have you know that I have never looked at James in any way but as a friend and—"

"He has a nice bum," Lily interrupted, "don't you think?"

"Well, his bum is perfectly passable if you like big and lumpy. You realise one cheek is far larger than the other?"

"So you _have_ spent some time studying James Potter's bum then?"

This 'convince Lily not to marry James' thing was certainly not going as planned. His reputation was going to take a hit from this. He could see it already. He'd be lucky if by tomorrow the entire school didn't think he was having it off every night with his best mates. Sure, there had been wanking sessions, but that was normal boy stuff—and his train of thought was drifting places that Evans did not need to know about. He launched his only defence. "Well, up until this year, I did share a room with the bloke. There are some things you just can't help but notice." And if that was the best he had, Merlin help him, James would be married by half-one tomorrow and he'd have Sirius to blame for it.

"And so, you just had to stare at his arse?"

That girl was a real pain in the arse herself. "His covers were all lopsided and out of proportion, and only an extremely oddly shaped buttock could create such a mess."

"That the best you've got?" Lily asked with a smirk, clearly enjoying his discomfort.

"Sadly, yes." Sirius thought about it for a second. "Well, I could whinge, I'm told that I'm pretty good at that and since there's no one here to hear me and—PLEASE!!! Don't marry my best mate. You'll ruin all our single boy fun! I beg of you, don't do this!"

"Sirius, don't—"

"Please, please, pretty please with sugar and spice and everything nice and—"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, shut up! I'm not even sure I want to marry James Potter."

For a moment Sirius forgot all about Lily actually agreeing with him, and he was good and offended on James's behalf. "You could do a lot worse than James Potter, I'll have you know! Why any girl would be lucky if James Potter turned an eye her way. My mate is—"

"Have you considered joining a debate team? I happen to think you'd be rather good at it."

Sirius wasn't sure what a debate team was, but if past dealings with Lily Evans were any indication of how this conversation was going, he could probably feel safe in the assumption that he'd just been insulted… maybe. It required a token protest. "I would not be good at any such thing."

"Really? I think you're rather good at arguing almost any point, whether you believe in it or not."

Hmm. Other than that 'believe in it' jab at the end, that had almost sounded like it was intended to be a compliment… from Lily Evans… directed at him… Sirius Black. Nah, couldn't be. He shook his head in an attempt to shake off the preposterous idea.

Sirius found himself at a loss for words. He was accustomed to verbal sparring with Lily. It was what they did best, in fact. But trading compliments? This was unchartered territory and he was treading lightly. He cleared his throat and said a meek, "Thank you, I think." He nearly cursed when he heard his voice crack. He sounded like a whipped little nancy boy.

"Can I talk to you about something, well, _serious_ , Sirius?"

"Are you making fun of me, or are you being" -damn his mother and her poor choice of names, he couldn't think of another word to use- "serious?"

"No, I'm being ser—for real. Your mother really should be hexed for naming you that, you know?"

"It is the least of things my mother should be hexed for, I assure you. But, agreed. So you know, and because I fear for the safety of my bollocks, I'm not good at this talking about things that don't include joking, pranking or all around silliness. Maybe you should wait until we're out and talk to Remus. He's far better at this girly stuff. Or James even. Hell, he's practically been neutered since he started dating you—and I'm shutting up now." Lily was glaring at him. "And moving over here just a bit. Your legs seem longer than I originally thought. Better safe than sorry. My balls will thank me later."

"Let's talk about sex," Lily said, and Sirius nearly choked on his own spit. He jumped up from his position on the floor and began to pace the width of the room.

"Blokes don't talk to their best mate's girls about sex!" Sirius insisted. "It's—it's—it's improper. That's what it is. It's improper."

Lily began to laugh. "Sirius Black just used the word improper during a sex conversation. Oh, just wait until the girls hear about this. Would you have felt more comfortable if I'd said the word 'fuck'? You certainly say it enough."

"Well, you rattled me. That's all. I wasn't expecting Prim and Proper Evans to be so—so—coarse. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Lily's giggles had died away, and she was looking at Sirius imploringly. "I really need to talk to someone about this."

"Well, why the bloody hell does it have to be me?" Sirius demanded, but he was softening. He tried for a common sense approach. "Don't you have your own friends that you'd be more comfortable talking to about this?"

"My own friends can't help me. I need you for this, I think. It has to do with why I can't marry James and--"

"Oh, whew! What a relief. See I can't help you now, for sure, since I don't want you to marry James. I'd certainly be no help at all." He ceased his pacing and took his seat once more on the cold stone floor.

"And how do you think James is going to react when I tell him I can't marry him?"

 _Damn her and that logic thing she always did when she wanted her way!_ She was right, of course. James would be crushed if Lily rejected him, and he couldn't much let that happen, now could he? This 'being a good best mate' thing was becoming far more work than he liked.

"So why do you want to crush my best mate?" Lily was glaring at him so he rephrased the question. "I mean, why can't you marry James?" Sirius grumbled. "And I'm assuming it has nothing to do with the fact that you're concerned with crushing my social life and ruining my best mate's entire future. Something tells me that's not figuring into this rejection thing at all."

"Not even remotely."

"Didn't think so. Continue."

"You see," Lily began, her finger running over a crease in her skirt, pressing it down and smoothing it out in a nervous gesture that drew Sirius's eyes. "I've never had sex with anyone but James." Lily's words rushed out on top of one another in a manner that made it almost hard for Sirius to understand her, but the blush on her cheeks spoke volumes.

"Chaste Little Lily Evans." Her foot shot out quick as lightning and connected with Sirius's shin. Damn, he should have remembered to keep his distance when he sat back down.

"Owweeee!!!! Blimey, woman, I take it back. I take it back!" Sirius was rubbing his injured limb, and engaging in a glaring contest with Lily, but he looked at her and said, "Continue," biting his tongue to keep from calling her some offensive name that would certainly earn him another injured limb.

"I just think that if I marry James and he's the only bloke I've ever slept with, then I'm going to always wonder what else was out there, and what I might be missing."

Her logic actually made some semblance of sense to Sirius and he told her so. "So get out, play the field a bit, have yourself a bit of fun—not too much, mind, can't have my mate marrying a tart or anything, but—"

"I want to sleep with you."

"Come again?" Sirius stuck his finger and his ear and twisted. "There, now. What was that you said, because if I didn't know better, I would have sworn that you said, you wanted to—"

"I want to fuck you. Maybe you'll understand that terminology better. It seems to be more at your baseline of understanding."

Sirius put his finger back in his ear and twisted hard. "Must be something stuck in there good. Really fucking with my hearing, too. Stupid ears."

"You heard me just fine."

"Can't have done," Sirius insisted. "If you knew what I thought I heard you say, you'd clock me a good one." He dug deeper into his ear.

Lily grabbed his arm and pulled his hand away. "Stop it before you hurt yourself. I said that I want to have sex with you, fuck you, do the nasty, shag you senseless—I'm out of terminology that might permeate that thick skull of yours, but I think you get the drift. And I meant what I said."

"You're daft."

"For considering you a potential shagging partner? Don't I know it."

"Oi, no reason for low blows. I'll have you know, I've shagged many a girl in this school and—"

"And that's the reason I want it to be you—well, one of the reasons anyway. You know what you're doing and you're James's friend so you'll keep your mouth shut and keep this to yourself."

"Well, no question that I'm experienced. I have to give you that one. But I'm a lousy secret keeper. That, in and of itself, should take me out of the running as a shaggable partner. Find someone else to shag you senseless. I'm not an option." He used his haughtiest voice to convey that he planned to keep his virtue intact.

"You'd never say anything that would hurt James. I have no doubt you'd keep the secret of our tryst."

 _Damn her and how well she knew him. And damn his own loyalty._ Lily Evans knew his Achilles Heel and here she was using it, and _it_ was sex (whoever would have thought?), against him. And tryst? Seriously? Since when did they go from enemies to mutual partakers in a tryst—a secret tryst at that? Sirius thought the world might have flipped upside down or perhaps he had slipped into some sort of alternate universe when he had his back turned. Frankly, as ludicrous as that sounded, it made far more sense than Lily Evans wanting to have sex with him.

She seemed to accept his non-answer as consent. "Okay, then take off your clothes. We don't have all day." She looked at the still locked door. "Well, maybe we do, but I'd rather not wait, when we could go ahead and get this over with now."

"You make it sound so… romantic, and all."

"Romance has nothing to do with this."

"Don't I know it," Sirius retorted.

"Hey, I don't like you any more than you like me."

"Great," he spat back.

"Great," Lily returned the venomous remark. "Now," she continued, "let's have sex."

"This has to be the most ridiculous lead in to sex that I've ever experienced. And I shagged Martha McCammon down by the lake while the giant squid—er, never you mind that I said that."

"Well, you're young yet, and given your lack of charm, I'm sure you'll have many more ridiculous lead-ins in your future."

"Was that a compliment?" Sirius asked, bewildered.

"Not really."

"Just checking." And he began to unfasten his trousers, shaking his head in disbelief that he was actually going through with this. When he had his trousers halfway down his thighs, something dawned on Sirius. "Hey, wait a minute, what am I getting out of this whole thing?"

"You mean besides getting to have sex with someone besides your right hand?"

She had a point. A begrudging point, but a point, nonetheless. "Shows what you know. I'm left-handed," he grumbled, and continued removing his trousers, but stuck his tongue out at her when he thought Lily wasn't looking.

"Your maturity is astounding."

"I swear, bird! Do you have eyes in the back of that freaky head of yours?" Sirius folded up his trousers and laid them on the floor, careful to keep them out of one of Myrtle's earlier puddles. This seriously had to be the strangest opening to sex he'd ever been a party to.

He turned in time to see that Lily was standing, facing away from him, in only her bra and knickers, and he had to admit that she was nicely made, with curves just beginning to swell in all the right places. She was a girl who was on the cusp of becoming a woman, and honestly if she closed that rotten mouth of hers more often, Sirius might have even been a bit jealous of James. With that thought bothering his mind, Sirius tugged his t-shirt over his head and it got stuck.

There he was, trapped with his arms half out and unable to see.

"Stop larking about. You look ridiculous."

He felt ridiculous too. He must have put on one of tiny-headed Remus's shirts by mistake that morning. Of course, it wasn't a mistake in as much as it was the only clean thing in the dorm room. It's a wonder he'd ever got the thing on, but getting it off? Well, that was another story.

"Stop playing around," Lily reiterated. "You look a fool and it's kind of cold in here. You should be over here warming me up."

She had attempted to make her voice seductive, and Sirius might have appreciated the effort if he could have had a visual of naked!Lily to go with the sultry voice. "Not playing around," Sirius replied, though it came out in a rather muffled manner. "I'm stuck."

"Seriously?"

"Afraid so."

"Could you be a bigger moron?"

"Oi! It's not my fault that Remus is tiny-headed and all my shirts were dirty. And Peter pissed off one of the House Elves with this dung bomb and now our room is sort of not being frequented and—yeah, let's keep that to ourselves too, okay? McGonagall's been looking for the perpetrator for weeks now."

"James's socks, your shirts. Do you boys have some aversion to clean laundry?"

"Not to the laundry being clean, per se. To the washing of the clothes. Who has time for that nonsense?"

"Remus, apparently," Lily responded with her frustrating logic.

"Yes, but Moony's a terrible bore. He has little else to do than read his books and wash his socks and, and, and—could you help me out here? I feel rather stupid, you know."

"You look even stupider than you feel, I assure you."

"Helpful sort, aren't you?" Sirius walked in the general direction of where Lily had been standing only moments before, and helpful girl that she was, she moved out of his way so that he walked directly into the wall and fell flat on his back with a resounding "oomph."

She was on him in a moment, straddling his hips and yanking so hard on his shirt that he thought for certain his head would pop off before it finally came free.

"There!" Lily said, when she finally met with success.

Sirius felt his face with both hands. "Dear Merlin, is my nose still attached?"

"Don't be such a baby. No bird wants to be with a man who's a whinger, you know."

"What about men who've just had the nose ripped from their once beautiful face?" Sirius was still feeling about his face for traces of blood or missing appendages and was thankful to discover that his nose was still in its rightful place.

"Not sure. Find me a beautiful man and I'll rip off his nose and let you know his reaction."

"Ha-ha. Very funny."

Lily gave a little laugh, and Sirius noted that she winked at him. "I thought so."

He also noted that her girly parts were straddling his boy bits, and they were only separated by very small scraps of material, in the form of her knickers and his pants. And he quickly forgot about the destruction of his beautiful nose. Blood was rushing from his thinking-head and filling up his fucking-head in a hurry.

She was his best friend's girl, and he shouldn't be thinking such thoughts—but he was a male, and those kinds of thoughts were the ones he thought best, so he had really very little control over the matter. Besides, he was doing this for James, ultimately—erm, yeah, really he was. And boy, that didn't sound all that convincing even in his head.

Then Lily began to rock against him and all thoughts of right or wrong or up or down or anything at all really, except in and out, were gone from his brain.

"Thought that might get your attention."

"I've got news for you, sweetheart, that would get the attention of a half-dead bloke."

Lily's nose curled up in a snarl.

"What?"

"Don't call me that. It sounds—I dunno—weird coming out of your mouth."

"How about this? I've got news for you, bitch, that would get the attention of a half-dead bloke."

Lily cocked her head as though she were thinking it over and then nodded and smiled. "Sounds more right, actually."

"You are a sad, strange girl, you know that?"

"I've been called worse." Lily shrugged and then leaned in and did something he totally did not expect. She kissed him, full on the lips, her tongue licking across his mouth, diving inside and—whoa, he did not sign on for this! No matter how soft her lips were, or how nice it felt and—no, just no!

"Stop that!" Sirius demanded. "No kissing. This is not—No. This is sex and sex only! I'm doing you a favour, remember? There was no kissing agreement."

"As charming as you are, I really don't know how the girls stand to keep away from you," Lily deadpanned.

Sirius noted the sarcasm, but did his best to ignore the feelings that were stirring within. She was James's girl. James's girl. No feelings were allowed.

"So," Lily continued, "now that you've completely sucked the mood from the room, what do you suggest?"

"Kissing's out."

"We've established that, yes. What would you like to do?" Lily had moved off him now and was sitting beside him, legs criss-crossed, and drumming her fingers against the cold stone of the floor.

"Get on your hands and knees," Sirius said, after sitting up.

"If you think, for one minute, I'm sucking your cock—"

"Ewww!" Sirius retorted, pulling a face. "Do I look stupid enough to let my cock anywhere near those vampire teeth of yours?"

"I'm assuming that anytime you ask me how stupid you look it's a rhetorical question."

"Yeah. Good assumption. Now, do what I told you."

He was surprised that she brooked no further argument and got on her knees. Then she glared at him when he said, "No, all the way, hands on the floor, and face away from me."

"Turning my back on you?"

"Oi, this was your idea, not mine, Evans!"

She shrugged in what Sirius thought was some sort of agreement. Or, at least, she did what he asked and bloody hell, how had he never noticed what an amazing arse she had? Must have been the fact that she was such a bitch in general that he'd never bothered to look. He shook his head, trying to get these wild thoughts to vanish , and he tugged down his pants to his knees and took his cock in his hand, beginning to stroke it to full erection. He closed his eyes and thought sexy thoughts of just what luscious things might be under Marlene McKinnon's tight Ravenclaw sweater and, oh yes, that was nice. His cock was responding very nicely to those thoughts. He'd be able to do this after all. He scooted up on his knees and was just about to shove his cock home when he opened his eyes and sighed loudly. "Damn." Probably should have got her to take down her knickers first.

"Damn what?" Lily looked back and her eyes went wide. "What the hell do you think you're doing? What? Were you just going to shove that ridiculous cock of yours inside me and then what? Be done?"

"Well…"

"If that's what I wanted, I could use a dildo for that!" she shouted.

"Then why the bloody hell don't you—wait—have you got one of those?" Sirius was suddenly very intrigued. He'd heard a lot about these contraptions, and he and James had even sneaked into The Witch's Passion in Hogsmeade once, which was run by Rosmerta's sister, but they'd been tossed out before they got to see any of the good stuff.

"Maybe."

"Will you show it to me?" Sirius was so interested in the sudden change of topic, that he almost missed what it was that made Lily begin to giggle. Of course, when she started to point and belly-laugh, it became a little clearer.

"What is that?" she said pointing at the spot right above Sirius's pubic hair.

"This? It's a tattoo. Very masculine. Birds love ink, didn't you know?" He expected that the giggles would stop after he explained how very hot this thing on this body was. They didn't. "Stop laughing. Birds _do_ love tattoos."

"Sure they do." Lily was talking around her laughter, so Sirius had to pay close attention to what she said in order to catch it all. "They like dragons and skulls and even Snitches. But I've never met a bird who wanted to bed a man with a muddy footprint on his you-know-what."

"Oi! It's a paw print. It's not muddy and it's not on my you-know-what! You think I'd let a needle anywhere near Little Mysterious Sirius?"

"Oh, dear Merlin, you've named it."

"Every bloke gives his cock a name. What do you call your—you know, your thing?"

"I don't have a thing," Lily said, and before Sirius knew what had happened, she stood up and dropped her knickers, stepped one foot to the side, twirled them on an ankle and kicked them aside. And whatever comeback he'd planned came out as a garbled, "Meep." She definitely did have a thing. A thing lightly covered in auburn hair that matched her fiery locks.

Sirius stood up, forgetting that his pants were around his knees and nearly bashing his face into the stone floor before he could get them off and get across the room. The time for all this talking and bickering was done. He pushed Lily against the cold wall and broke his own no kissing rule, pushing his tongue into her mouth and tugging her head back as he grasped a hand full of her hair.

"That's more like it," she said when they broke apart and she hooked a leg around his waist, running her knuckles across the stubble beginning to form on his cheek.

"Hang on, Evans, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

"Dear god, could you be any less classy? I can't believe you even said that."

"And _you_ wanted to sleep with unclassy me! What the hell does that make you?" Sirius snorted and raised her other leg to wrap around his waist.

"Yes, well, I'm an idiot on most days." Lily gasped as Sirius nipped her throat, her collarbone, the place where neck joined shoulder that was ever so sensitive. He tugged at the strap of her bra, the only item of clothing she was still wearing, with his teeth, and growled when it refused to yield to him.

His cock was throbbing, pulsing, dying to be inside the very last girl he ever thought he'd be fucking. Much less fucking in a bathroom against a wall. Maybe he should pull away. Maybe he should end this before it was too late. And maybe he even would have, if she hadn't chosen that very moment to slip her hand between them and stroke her clit, then slip it inside her up to the first knuckle, only to remove it, slide it back up between them and coat his lip with her dampness, so that he tasted her. And she was delicious. And there was no turning back.

"Fuck," Sirius groaned, his tongue darted out to lick away every drop of her, and then he buried his face in her hair, slamming her back hard against the wall. His teeth nipped her earlobe, and he growled into her ear. "Gonna fuck you till you scream."

"You're all talk, Black," Lily said, reaching down and taking his cock in her hand, rubbing the head against her sex, parting the folds, brushing his dripping tip against her clit and arching her back at the sensation.

"Bloody hell," Sirius swore, going up on his toes to enter her, pushing in to the hilt and pumping into her in a frenzy. He bit at her lace-covered nipple as he increased his pace, and Lily scraped her nails down his back and pulled his hair hard as she moaned. Those claw marks would be interesting to explain when he and James were dressing out for Quidditch practice tomorrow night.

"Touch yourself," he groaned out. He was going to come far before she did, if she didn't.

"Like this?" she purred, sliding two fingers into herself and keeping time with his cock, moving in and out, stroking him as he fucked her, one finger working each side of his cock, and holy hell, that was amazing. He tried to think of unpleasant things, anything to keep his stamina up, not to let go, and then she bit his ear and whispered, her voice low and sultry, "Maybe next you can put it in my bum, yeah?"

And Sirius's world exploded in a whirlwind of colour, as his cock erupted inside his best friend's girl. He collapsed against her, breathing heavily and trying to gain purchase on his wobbly legs. "Sorry, you didn't get to—you know." He panted out the words between deep, ragged breaths.

"Take your time," Lily replied. "Myrtle's agreed not to open this door until I've come several times. Isn't that right, Myrtle dear?"

Myrtle was giggling from her perch atop the closest stall. "That was fun. Do it again now."

"What the hell?" Sirius shouted. "You two were in on this all along."

Lily smirked as he released his hold on her.

"I swear, Evans, you really could have made a Marauder, after all."

Lily gave him a sympathetic shake of the head, as though he truly was the stupidest creature on the face of the planet. "As if you Marauders could handle the likes of me."

And Sirius thought she just might be right.


End file.
